My first STD was from a foam party
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
