we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
