More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
