I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
