When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
