My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
