Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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