I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
