I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
