she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
