If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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