My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
