Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
