I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
