My hand turned me down
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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