I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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