he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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