If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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