Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
