maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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