Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
