Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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