Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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