Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We need to get me chipped asap
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
