I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
