I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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