low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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