you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
