I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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