i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
