yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
