failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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