in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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