My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
