creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
