when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
