oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
