After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
