remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
