All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my shit smells like andre
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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