When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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