I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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