dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
