I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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