Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
