She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
