The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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