pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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