How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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