hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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