too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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