Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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