he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
