I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
