I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i think my cat just said my name.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
