As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
