I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
