I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
