FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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